The Life Of A Return Missionary

Coming home from a mission is strange. Just take a socially deficient loser, put her in a third world country for 18 months without TV or dating or speaking English and than make her come back and try to be normal....it just isn't going to work.
You ask for examples? A few to satisfy your curiosity.

- Not knowing what to do when my parents asked me to sit down and eat a pancake breakfast. I don't have appointments? I am wasting time! Isn't there something I should be doing? Relaxing is a sin!
- Wanting to kiss and greet everyone I see. Its always a little strange to go in for the kiss when the other person doesn't want it. Post-mission dating scenario?
-Me: ''Who left this soggy lettuce in the sink? We need to put that in the garbage, okay?''
 Shannon: We have a garbage disposal.
Me: What is that?
 -They tell you that once you learn to ride a bike, you will never forget. LIES. ALL LIES.
-''Wait....Who got married? How did that happen?"
-Getting so shocked when people say that there is food in the house. ''What are you talking about?? I have eaten hard bread for breakfast for the past 2 weeks.''
-Chattering in Spanish unless I really think about speaking in English. My brother has gotten many a sassy response in Spanish and my mother doesn't understand why I always say ''Que rico. No hay pulgas en mi cama.''
-Taking my little brother to school sounds like a simple task. That is, if you know how to back up in the driveway. My Dad watched me from the window for about 15 minutes as Bruce impatiently gave me indications. "You're good. You're good. You're good. I SAID YOUR GOOD. JUST GO."
-SHOWER PRESSURE. SHOWERS. GROCERY STORES. HEATING. CELL PHONES. STOVE TOPS. GREEN GRASS. GARBAGE FREE STREETS. MORE THAN ONE POWER OUTLET EACH HOUSE. HOT WATER. CLEAN WATER.  Its just too much to handle.

And the loserish adventures have begun again.

The main problem with being a return missionary is that it is hard to know what to do with ones day. Where are my appointments and  contacting cards and Joseph Smith pamphlets? Where does one fit in when one is just too awkward to function?

Of course the nice perk is that we supposedly look more attractive after the mission. Because who needs social skills when you have a nice face? But we all know that my life is just not conducive to being normal or polished in any of its forms. Heme aqui.
-My hair is falling out in giant clumps.CLUMPS I TELL YOU. Buy me a cute little headband with a big flower on it and you can put me in a stroller to go have a nice afternoon and the park.
-Jungle fungus. There is no need for details on this one. Let us just say that it is DISGUSTING.
-Very very very white

And the worst one of all is a result of our little hike to Mitchell Point yesterday. This place is notorious for its abundant poison oak. But lets be honest, who expects that to be a problem on a rainy day in Oregon? Every little plant was covered in 2 inches of solid ice! But ti's a shame, I woke up like the Grimm Reaper with a pollen allergy on a Spring day. Eyes swollen shut, puffy face, and oozing itchy oil running down my face. Because having poison oak face wasn't enough every first day of Middle school. Which so happens to by my most loserish phase after coming back from a mission. Coincidence? I think not! 

Thin hair but poison oak free. Before the tragedy. 

The results. I love being an RM!