True Embarrassment

It takes me about an hour to fall asleep each night. I don't know if it is caused by the flurry of thoughts that go through my mind during this time or if I think so much because I can't sleep, it doesn't really matter. This is my time to lie in bed in complete and utter embarrassment as I contemplate over my words and actions of the past day. Contrary to what you believe it's not all of my "loserish" moments that keep me from dreaming of giant manatees with party hats. (Real dream I had recently.) I don't stress over the fact that I spat while talking to a stranger or got my maxi skirt stuck in my bike chain, exposing my bum. These things just don't seem to bother me. I am embarrassed over something much worse.

I have found that the times when I am uncharitable and mean-spirited are when I  have cause to blush to my very bones. 

By nature, I am not kind, selfless, or compassionate. My hypothesis is that I am so underdeveloped mentally and spiritually that I have to put people into little boxes in order for me to comprehend the world. It is inhumane to put people into boxes! Literally and figuratively! 

Today in class my professor told us that charity is seeing the good in people and trying to ignore the bad. It is trying to love everybody even if it's hard and it goes against your typical tendencies. It is to make this world a more livable place by not being afraid to lift someone up in the fear that it will bring you down. It means stop swiveling your head around to see if people think you're witty or accomplished and love. 

Basically, I have my work cut out for me. It seems that all of my friends and family have this on lock- down. And I'm that real honest-to-goodness loser who just can't stop thinking about herself. But I have no room to despair! I have a chance today to be better and when I fail (which I will) I have tomorrow. 

And who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to fall asleep instantly like my room mate instead of listening to her snore and kicking myself for being so stupid sometimes. 

Have a thrilling Thursday. 

Can't you feel the love between us? All I can say about this picture is that she deserved it.