Allen's Is Spooky

I just want everyone to know that; 

1. I went to Allen's today.

2. I bought two dozen doughnuts at Allen's. 

3. Allen's is spooky. 

4. I'm never going to Allen's again. 

For all those who don't live near South Provo, Allen's is a grocery store that is literally a creepy ghost town filled with ghouls and drug addicts. A group project required that I buy some doughnuts on the way to the ice skating rink. Although I tried to find another way, deep down I knew that the only store on the way was, you guessed it, Allen's. 

Let me illustrate how my Allen's experience went down. Because this is obviously something that people care about. 

I pulled into the parking lot and was confused to see that it was basically deserted. It was like the Apocalypse suddenly happened as I turned my blinker on and I didn't even realize it. The handwritten signs advertising eggs and milk shook in the tepid air, an eerie rattling of the sorry souls that dwell within. Was it open? Was anyone alive in there? 

Where is everyone??

The automatic doors to go inside were broken and swinging back and forth back and forth. I took a last deep breath of the clean and lively air outside, squared my shoulders, and entered... Allen's. 

I just can't describe to you how unbelievably scary an empty grocery store is. It was a prime shopping hour and yet, NO ONE WAS IN THERE. Where were the children buying candy after school? The moms with babbling babies? The men grabbing some beef sticks and toilet paper after work? The college students stocking up on generic Oreos? 

And really, what do they do with all of that food that surely goes bad? How are they still open? Oh no. Do they kidnap people and turn them into weird deli sandwiches and boxed carrot cake? Is this a torture chamber where desperate people go to rot? WHERE IS EVERYONE??

There were about 3 1/2 employees there. The half person was a decrepit old lady who was so zoned out that her breathing had stopped. I found the bakery and ordered my doughnuts from a woman who told me that she was super tired because her boyfriend had left the oven on all night and it was 98 degrees in her house when she woke up. *insert every single horror movie plot into brain* as I nod my head mechanically. Sweet little Bakery (but most Deli, she said) Lady took about 20 minutes to get the doughnuts in the box. 

Bakery Lady: What doughnuts do you want dearie?

Me: Just an assortment of all of them. It doesn't really matter what kind. 

Bakery Lady: So, do you want glazed? 

Me: Sure. Sounds great. But really, just put any in, it doesn't matter. 

Bakery Lady: What about jelly? They're nice. 

Me: Really, any kind of doughnut will suffice. 

Bakery Lady: No jellies, then? 

Meanwhile, flies were crawling all over the inside of the display case and the Bakery Lady was explaining to me that Allen's had an electrical fire that very morning and yadda yadda yadda. The flies were just MACKING on all of the food in there. Heebie Jeebies, galore. 

Bakery Lady. It's blurry because I was terrified she would turn around and see me and throw me in the oven. 

It was a relief to finally get out of there. When I was exiting I saw a handwritten sign on the wall saying that it was prohibited to take pictures. Cue the sprinting to the car and hoping that the Allen's zombies wouldn't come pouring out and suck my brains out and make me work there. 

And that is Allen's. A great little Halloween gem, brought to you by good ol' South Provo.  

Happy Halloween! 

P.S. The doughnuts were actually delicious. Worth the scare.