Switzerland: If You're Not Perfect You Won't Fit In

Right when we flew into Switzerland I saw the perfectly manicured fields and stunning snow crusted mountains and I knew right then and there..... I was going to force a Swiss man to marry me. If it be against his will and he doesn't speak English, then so be it. If he owned a chocolate empire and/or ski resort then that would be fine too. 

Switzerland is perfect. PERFECT. I can't say it enough. Could people be any more gorgeous or rich or literate or genuinely kind?? Where were the homeless? The garbage in the ditches along the roads? Does no one speed recklessly through yellow lights? No potholes? Were there any houses that weren't perfectly painted 200 year old works of art?  Where do they keep the ugly folk? How does everyone afford their Porche's by raising beautifully clean sheep and cows with shiny bells on their necks? 

So many questions. Google says it's socialism and I'm not sure if that's it, but if it is then go socialism be cause you done did good. 

We quickly realized that perfection=expensive, which can be a problem when you're dirt poor. After disembarking we decided to go to downtown Zurich by foot, because pshhhhh, trains require money. We wandered about, getting lost at every turn, and Elise used her Dutch to speak Swiss German (people looked at us funny).

Travel Tip: There is a reason why no one walks from the airport to wherever they are going. That goes for anywhere. Just spend the 6 dollars. Don't be that guy. 

They say this is the tree that the last survivors of the Black Plague planted. It is literally in the middle of nowhere. There are about two houses in the vicinity and lots of goats that were half black and half white. Education! Landmarks!

I coined this trip our "Wesbian Wuva Getaway" because who else buys rooms at Bed and Breakfast's when they aren't on a honeymoon? It's not for the faint of heart. One must always take the same picture twice (look at above pictures), one must always deal with the itsy bitsy bladder of Elise which induces her to go to the bathroom 40 times a day...... relationships require work. 

Burgdorf is perfect and has a castle. 

Elise isn't much of a picture person. I think she wouldn't have any photos from her whole college career if I hadn't been shoving the camera in her face. But there are times, my friends, when Elise just REALLY WANTS A PICTURE OF THIS. Above Pic 1: "Can I please get a picture with this brown river? I like that rock face. I know we passed it 20 minutes ago but I really liked it." Wish granted Elise! Above Pic 2: I am the little dot hundreds of miles ahead of her. She finally catches up and says, "I just really wanted a picture with the mountains in the distance." Hence, the failed selfie with a weird right angle line on the bike path. GO ELISE FOR TAKING PICTURES! 

Lord Farquad actually lives in Aarau. Just sayin'.

My mating dance to attract rich Swiss men.

"TAKE A PICTURE OF ME THAT LOOKS LIKE I'M FALLING OFF A CLIFF BUT I'M ACTUALLY NOT."

Note the awkward space between us. I swear we are actually friends. 

The above photo requires explanation. We were pretty dang lucky on this trip for being so accident prone. No flat tires, no robberies, and we only had about 2 collisions. This is the site of the worst one. Swiss are totally fine with bikers and pedestrians mingling until "no it's actually not okay now so please make a hairpin turn right next to a beautifully distracting vista." Apparently I was in the wrong because I was in back, but I still blame Swiss City Planning. I found your one imperfection. 

Interlaken. Asian Central. Ate a dessert quiche. Kept biking. 

As Cathy Hansen (Elise's mom) would say, "Oh a cemetery. Everyone's DYING to get in there!" Buwahahahahaha! 

Lauterbrunnen. When I find that rich Swiss man I will always ski here.  And you're probably wondering when I drop that joke but it's actually the deepest desire of my heart so shut up please. 

Elise just can't handle the cave waterfalls at Trummelbach

I'm only putting this picture in here because I am vain and think my hair looks f a b u l o u s. #realtalk 

These waterfalls were actually pretty stellar. 11 francs to go in but a sexy Swiss mountain man will flirt with you and I would pay that again for that experience. The waterfall was great too! 

Elise had never been on a gondola before and so we paid a little too much to ride one. We got on and were looking around like, "where's the yodeling man with a long trumpet? is no one going to offer us complimentary cocoa." Gondola in Switzerland= Gondola Anywhere Else In The World. 

EIGER. 

Closest thing to finding a Swiss Husband. Someone please date me and put me out of my misery.  

"Let's do a self timer with us eating bread with plush top soil in the foreground." 

When the paved bike path turns into dirt and you have a road bike. Walking in agonizing silence for better part of an hour. 

This was our humble dinner when it happened. We were sitting on a park bench, perfect Swiss people were drinking coffee outside, perfect Swiss children were speaking perfect Swiss German gibberish. I was expounding on some profound subject like how I could find a Swiss man to marry at church when I looked over and Elise was staring lovingly into my eyes and slowly reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of my cheese filled mouth. It probably looked like the woman was going to smooch me right then and there. That was when I KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Elise loved me.

***Elise has her own version of the story but it's all lies.**

One evening we rode in a rainstorm with headlamps. Wet Rat City. We desperately needed a place to sleep because I was not about to sleep in a ditch and be swept away in a flash flood. We stopped at a inn where the rumor was that if you went to the back and told a man you were poor he'd give you a room for cheap. That sounded like a brothel situation to me so I sent Elise in as the guinea pig. The minutes ticked by and I was about ready to flee and sell Elise's bike so I could stay in a hotel with a hot tub. She finally came out, no hot tub tonight. We had a place to stay! 

To all my flabbergasted adult friends who follow me on Instagram: I need to explain my so-called "questionable actions" portrayed in the picture where Elise and I are with 4 jolly Swiss men in a bar with their arms around us... I wasn't trying to woo them, despite my marriage fantasies. They weren't trying to roofie us when they bought half of our hotel room and bottomless sodas and dinner and breakfast. I PROMISE. Also, what harm is going to come to someone when they're listening to a man in lederhosen and a mullet yodeling and playing an accordion? I'm not sure if that was much of an explanation, but I enjoyed eating free food as I smiled and nodded my head like a dentist receptionist. 

We reached celebrity status at church. Richy, our over eager translator, was very kind and slightly pretentious and quoted Jesus the Christ one too many times for a normal conversation. 

If you happened to be in the Swiss countryside and saw two hyena-like hobos scarfing down bar after bar of chocolate... it was someone else.  

We reek of cheapness.  

When you wake up in a abandoned campground after sleeping on a emergency blanket. 

More bread. 

Lugano. Rich Swiss. Italian Speaking Swiss.  

Let's sum this ridiculous long post in one sentence. "Alex and Elise go to Switzerland and it's really cool." Also, if anyone finds a Swiss man, give me a holla.